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[aintjustaweapon]

Lillian Aust

Clearly I ain't got time to answer today, so leave me somethin' and I'll get back to ya!

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The week of 3/15ish, 2:00AM, the apartment

[androidheart]

[A series of small creaks precede the low hum of bending springs within the mattress. It sinks in a bit, the extra several pounds of her metal limbs pushing down hard. It's dark––too dark to see anything. As her body settles into the frame of the bed and the creaking and humming and bending stops. There's only the sound of her breath, trepedatious and slow as she lays in darkness for long enough to make her wonder if her eyes are open or closed. She reaches out and gently touches her sister's shoulder with a single finger or in a different situation, the barrel of a gun. Not neccesarily try to wake her, but, well, there's worse ways to wake someone up when you've literally snuck into their bed. She lays beside her in silence, next to her sister. Thinking, thinking, thinking.

It reminds her of when they were especially young. You lay along your sibling and don't second guess it. You're close to your sibling and don't second guess it. Why can't she go back to that? Why can't the one person that can help her be allowed in? There's always something. Maybe she did run away, but who's the real failure of a sister? She wants to wrap her arms around her––what's left of her. And if that didn't wake her and terrify her, it would probably just hurt her. You can't hug your sister with such dangerous arms. Instead she settles for soft syllables from the tip of her tongue.]

I am sorry.

Please forgive me.

I do not know how to swim in this ocean.

[Angela moves a bit closer to her sisters, nudging her forehead against Lillian's arm.]

I am ungrateful. I am a miserable worthless weak woman.
I torture you constantly.

I am not human. I do not think that I was ever human to begin with, sister. Something has been wrong with me for a long time, and I am sorry for making you part of it.

If you didn't wake up tomorrow, I wouldn't want to wake up either. I would not deserve it.

I want to be your sister.

[She's crying. A little bit. Not quite audibly so, but the finger on her shoulder trembles slightly, under the weight of tears that seem remarkably heavy. Heavier than her arms by a mile.]

So please keep waking up, Lillian.

[aintjustaweapon]

[It was hard to say exactly when Lillian woke up. She was a heavy sleeper and not unfamiliar to having someone in bed with her, so other than a faint shift, she didn't react much at all when Angela crawled in with her.]

[Her eyes eventually opened, looking away from Angela, trying to process the things she half-heard as she woke up. Eventually one part hooks into her attention, and she shifts, rolling over slowly to face her sister.]

[She brought a hand up silently to wipe across her cheek, brushing away a few of those tears. She smiled, but it was...sad.]

You are not worthless.

[A half-whisper, but emphatic.]

[androidheart]

The way that I am now, I'm no good to anyone. I hide things from you, I'm cruel to you, to so many people that only want to help me.

I am tired of this person. I want to be me again.

[Angela moves her body a bit closer, nudging her cheek against Lillian's hand.]

I was so worried about becoming a robot, I didn't realize that I already became one.

Please forgive me for the way that I am, now.

[aintjustaweapon]

Oh like you even have to ask.

[She ran her hand along her sister's cheek and up into her hair.]

If you wanna go back to bein' who you were, then...that's what we'll do. But I know how wallowin' can feel, believe me.

[She smiled sadly.]

You're gonna have to try. Forcing yourself to be happy can be exhaustin' at first.

[androidheart]

I forced myself to be happy more than I thought, the past...for many years. Perhaps I was a seed of negativity, cocooned in a false pretense of "happiness". Now that I am...losing myself, I feel as though all that time was spent wasted. I am angry at myself. I am so angry, always. That is what is truly exhausting, Lillian.

My kindness has been swept up in the sea of despair, the dam broken. How do I repair such a thing? How do you put back what has already spilled out? I don't know, I don't know...

[aintjustaweapon]

[Lillian didn't really have an answer for all that. She remembered getting past feelings like them herself, but she'd had...different circumstances. And fewer reasons to be angry with herself.]

It's...not really about putting it back. [She finally decided.] We never run out of happiness or kindness. You just have to let yourself feel them again.